Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
im on a boat
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