so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
