So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
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Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
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im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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