Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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