i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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