My hand turned me down
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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