you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
