dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
