john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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