Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
They have beer where we have blood.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
