dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
