last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
