I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
