if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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