I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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