I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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