So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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