Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
People in love make me want to vomit
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
