i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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