dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
