Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
