i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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