Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You can't special order awesome
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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