I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
