Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
