I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
