Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
