Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
