My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
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My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
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It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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