Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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