I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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