i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
When are your genitals available?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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