If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with youâ€
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