I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
