I looked at my own cervix.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
