Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
