It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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