Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
