Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
