i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
