Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
