there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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