hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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