We're like a lot better than the average bears
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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