You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
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It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
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He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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