My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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