So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
