defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize