i already hear my dad disowning me
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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