soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
