I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
