she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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