well I can't set my house on fire every night
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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