Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
