yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
