My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
