So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
