Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
