my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
