Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
