just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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