i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
