When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
