My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
